Then and Now
Are children less welcome in public than they used to be? Maybe. Maybe not.
From my vantage point, and from the reading I’ve been doing lately (since I was accused of lying about my own experiences as a child), I’ve come to the conclusion that if parents are getting the feeling that society is becoming less “child-friendly” than it used to be, it’s not because society as a whole has changed all that much, it’s because parents have changed that much.
When I was a child, my siblings and I were taught to be, for the most part, seen and not heard, when out in public. Of course, there were occasions in public when we were permitted a little more leeway… an amusement park, the kiddie-land portion of the zoo, the playground, the beach, etc. Don’t get me wrong, even at those places, tantrums or meltdowns were absolutely not tolerated, but we could usually run off some energy. However, in movie theaters (we only attended age-appropriate flicks…my parents hired a babysitter when they went to see A Clockwork Orange, The Godfather, Serpico, etc.), in restaurants (even fast food ones), in stores, etc., we were not permitted to run around, scream, yell, or otherwise cause a scene. If a violation of the rules occurred, we were immediately removed from the premises. Period. We knew this. And we also knew that if we had to leave early, that wasn’t the only consequence. Once home, we would be sent to our rooms. Unlike many parents I see today, my parents didn’t make idle threats. Most of the time, they didn’t even have to say anything. If we got the least bit out of line, we would get The Look. The Look was usually enough to make us straighten up and fly right.
These days? I don’t see nearly the same type of discipline. I hear parents sounding like broken records… telling their kids over and over and over ad nauseam “no,” or “sit down and eat your dinner,” or “if you don’t sit down and eat your dinner, you won’t get any dessert.” Of course, in that last scenario, the child never sat down (he either knelt on his chair or stood next to it, occasionally walking around), purposely dumped a half glass of milk because he wanted pop, didn’t eat his dinner, and then, guess what? He got dessert. So much for consequences. All too frequently, I see parents simply ignoring their child’s obnoxious behavior.
Most of the time, when my parents went out – whether they were going out to dinner together or my mother was going somewhere during the day while my father was at work, my parents hired babysitters. They didn’t drag us absolutely everywhere they went. They liked getting away from us once in a while and we liked getting away from them. Besides, why would we have wanted to go with them? Hanging around the gym while my mother played raquetball? No thanks. Listening to my mother and her friends while they played cards? Again, what kid wouldn’t be bored to tears with that? Going out with my dad and his cronies? Most kids I know would take a pass on that, too.
Compare that to today. If you* take your kids to a coffee shop with you and they get bored (as is likely to happen with children), there’s a good chance they’re going to start being disruptive. If you take your kids to a movie that does not hold their interest, there’s a good chance they’re going to get bored and become disruptive. If you take your child to a restaurant where a normal dinner takes two hours, chances are the child is going to be bored and become disruptive. Yet, time and again, parents are doing this and, as any rational adult with an average IQ would expect, the children become disruptive to everyone around them. Except for their own parents, who don’t seem to have a problem ignoring the loud, obnoxious behavior and expect everyone else to watch out for their kids. Argh.
I think part of the reason for this change is that parents work more now than they used. When I was a tyke, SAHMs were common. Not so much these days. And not only are there more households where both parents work outside the home, but it seems to me that both parents are working longer hours, too. I think parents are making up for a lack of time spent with their kids by being way too permissive with their kids. They don’t want to spend the little amount of time they have with them disciplining them, so they let them do whatever they hell they want. And when it comes to going out in public, the parents feel guilty for leaving their kids with a babysitter, considering that the kids have been in school and daycare most of the week. A babysitter, of course, is also an added expense. So, even though the kids might be tired and cranky, they pack them up and take them with them anyway.
And then there’s the issue of divorce. Divorce has become much more prevalent than when I was a kid. And, oh, the custody battles that ensue. Neither parent wants to be the “bad guy", i.e. the disciplinarian. Mom wants the kids to like her more and dad wants the kids to like him more. The result? A bunch of spoiled brats.
Contrary to what lots of mommybloggers would have you believe, it’s not just the childfree contingent who have a problem with the way kids are acting in public these days. Even some parents, the ones who still believe in disciplining their children and teaching them how to behave appropriately when in public, get pissed off at overly permissive and ignorant parents. They managed to teach their kids how to act in public… why can’t other parents? And they sure as hell should be pissed. Those parents give all parents a bad name.
If children are running amok and are screaming and shrieking all over your favorite store or spot, blame the parents. Why is it that 25 years ago this wasn’t a problem? Because parents knew what discipline was and used it to enforce behavior. Children today are cuddled to death and parents are to blame for allowing such poor behavior.
AnonymousI don’t think we are less tolerant of kids being kids as much as we hate the parents who don’t teach them how to behave in public. They are raising future adults who are rude and obnoxious.
Ramona, Albany, N.Y.Kids are indeed more out of control, and more indulged, than ever. We grow more and more selfish as a society. Parents care about careers, houses, cars and consumer items, In short, they are focused more than ever on money and the things it buys them. With little time or attention for their children, they indulge their offspring by letting them be out of control and they expect other people to endure the results.
Peter, Phoenix
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14348175
Fifteen years ago, I never heard anyone suggesting that movie theaters have a “childfree night.” They didn’t have to, because most parents wouldn’t have dreamed of taking their small children to the ten o’clock showing of the latest R-rated movies. Now? It’s getting more and more common.
People are complaining about children at weddings. Mothers go ballistic when a cafe owner dares to request that children in his establishment use their “inside voices.” A woman takes her kids to a beauty salon and expects everyone else to keep an eye on them while she gets her hair done. And the stories about badly behaved children in restaurants? Holy crap. There’s a never-ending supply of them.
As for a solution to the problem, I don’t hold out a whole lot of hope. While proper parenting takes a lot of energy, many parents are too tired (or just plain lazy) to make the effort. Time will tell what kind of adults these kids become. I’m starting to see some of them entering the workforce now. So far, it hasn’t been pretty.
* Since one particularly dense mommyblogger didn’t understand the use of indefinite “you” in one of my past posts, allow me to explain. The word “you” is interchangeable with the word “someone” or “anyone.” It may or may not specifically refer to you, the reader. Most people comprehend this. Some, not so much.
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March 16th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
I think a lot of the problem goes back to what you’re saying – involvement. My parents both worked but devoted a lot of time to reading, teaching at home, going on family vacations, chaperoning on school trips, etc. A lot of stay at home parents do the same, and I notice (usually) that their kids are more intelligent and better behaved. It’s typically the parent that goes the non-involvement (i.e. dump my kids on everyone else and do my own damn thing) route that seems to have the problems. My parents did have no-kids nights where they would go out to dinner or another event – see a band, attend a wedding, go gambling, typical adult-only establishments. I usually spent that time with my grandparents or a babysitter, which was fine. I notice more and more kids are included on traditional “adults-only” time. Maybe because of parents ever-busy schedules, they simply count these times as “involvement” – I don’t know. It seems we’ve lost the definition of adults-only events and kid friendly events. It seems more and more things are meant to be “kid friendly.” As a kid, I was more than happy to stay at home or at a babysitter’s instead of hanging around my parents. It was a nice night off!
March 16th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
The other discipline problem I have seen is TOO MUCH involvement, with little discipline as this would be seen as “emotionally damaging”. Because, you know, telling your child that they can’t have something or can’t do something would just crush them – we can’t have them experiencing the dreaded “Reality”! These helicopter parents also micromanage their damn kids to the point where they’re calling their college professors about bad grades, and talking to their kid’s hiring managers trying to NEGOTIATE THEIR FUCKING STARTING SALARY! If your kid can’t talk professionally about their own salary, they don’t hold much hope for the company they’re working at. Personally, I’d never hire someone like that, because when the time came for them to make a decision on something I don’t want them waiting for mommy or daddy to call them back about it.
LET YOUR KIDS GROW UP DAMMIT!
March 16th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
Hey Ron… you’re getting ahead of me here. I’m working on something for next week or the week after that’s going to be titled, “Helicopter Hellions.”
March 16th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
Totally agree with your post emma!
I have had a dear friend cancel an outing due to the time. Her hubby would out of town, the dinner started at 7pm and she knew a melt down was pretty much guaranteed at 8pm if they were not home. I hated to miss them, but was glad not to have to deal with an out of control child.
Knowing you and your child’s limitations are key!
March 16th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
n_wilker: We use the same “precautions” too with our kids. If it’s close to bedtime or the youngest one hasn’t had a nap that day, we don’t take them out to a restaurant or the mall, or anything like that. It’s all about having respect for other people and realizing that you’re not the only people in the world. Other people should not be expected to “just deal” with your kid’s tantrums due to the tired excuse of “they’re kids”. Yeah, they’re kids, but here’s a secret…You’re the parent!
March 17th, 2009 at 9:22 am
Yes it’s not about the fact that they’re children but about their behavior (and about the responses to behavior by parents).
Your eating out scenario made me laugh. When we go out, my kids are angels. They color or look at books until the food comes, then they sit up nicely & eat and wait for us to finish. If they don’t eat, they sit quietly an continue to color, etc. At home? Holden only sits at the table half the time and Zoe complains, “I don’t like this. What is it?” *sigh* We’re working on it
March 17th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Can I have an amen for Eden and Ron! Keep setting those great examples for the inconsiderate boobs out there!
March 20th, 2009 at 8:12 am
I’m gonna have to weigh in with my tuppen’orth here. I’m from the UK so we have a somewhat different cultural outlook when it comes to these situations.
When I was growing up (yeah, I’m male, you lasses can make all the jokes you like about it never happening!), I was raised to be considerate of others. If I’d run around screaming at the top of my voice whilst out with my parent, I would’ve been grounded big-time when I got home. My father rarely raised his hand to me, and only then when I pushed too far.
In the UK, there are two main things working against parents: firstly corporal punishment was made illegal; secondly the kids are so savvy that they’ll call Social Services themselves if the parent attempts to discipline them. No parent in the UK will discipline their child in public after several high-profile cases where the parents have been prosecuted for abuse and assault by Social Services. Never mind that most of these cases were thrown out, the fact that the CPS will consider a prosecution has parents running scared. It’s only now as these children grow older that the UK is starting to see the effects wrought by the ill-thought parenting.
Parenting in the UK seems to fall into two camps: the laissez-faire and the over-protective.
The laissez-faire camp are the ones who stick their kids in front of the TV or dump them on the grandparents. I live in an area with a high incidence of teenage mums and this largely tends to be their attitude. Mind you, the Government encourages it be giving them a flat, Benefits and Income Support – why bother working when you can get pregnant and make more money that way? These teenagers aren’t ready to give up their lives and want to go out partying, so the kids suffer. These can be those inconsiderate people who expect other people to act as impromptu baby-sitters for their kids when they’re out and about, or who assume that other people don’t mind that their child has been screaming at the tops of its lungs for the past hour and a half.
The other extreme is the over-protective. They cosset their children so much, to the point of almost suffocating them. The kids are never allowed to be kids, other people’s kids are always too rough, the slightest whimper brings Mummy running with a paramedic kit. If the parents could do so, I suspect these kids would be implanted with GPS trackers and video monitoring so that Mummy always knows what’s going on. Is it any wonder that some people end up so neurotic and unable to cope with society when their parents try to shield them from said society?
I’m childless and I fully intend to remain that way. I’ve seen far too many parents falling into the trap of putting their kids in front of the TV or DVD to keep them quiet, thinking that it’s a “good” idea. I watch my younger brother bringing up his two boys and they’re a right pair of horrors. The eldest is 5 years old and he’s still screaming for his parents in the night. Couple that with 11 other nephews and nieces of various ages, you start to get the picture.
When I go out with my wife, I expect to be able to enjoy myself. That means that I don’t want to listen to your child screaming its head off in a cinema whilst I’m trying to watch a film that I just spent £10 to see, I don’t want your child crawling around under my table and thumping my chair whilst I’m trying to eat my fillet steak. You have certain rights because you happen to have a child, but that doesn’t automatically grant you the privilege of automatically ignoring the rights of everyone else around you.
March 20th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
That’s a pretty accurate description, Gareth. Obviously, there are still some good parents out there, but it seems that more and more, parents are falling into one of the two categories you describe.